Grief and Indian food

Cleaning out my Mom's apartment: Day 2.  My Mom passed away a few weeks ago.  It was sort of unexpected.  I feel like I haven't processed the many feelings around this yet.  Yesterday, a bunch of friends and family helped me clean out her apartment.  We went through her every drawer, found thousands of pictures and lots of rolls of undeveloped film.  It felt like we were dismantling her life and dissecting everything we could find.  I was emotionally a wreck by the time dinner came along.  My Aunt, cousins, and Christine and I went to an Indian restaurant.  I let everyone off at the front entrance and had to drive about a 1/4 mile away to find a parking spot.  It was a brutally cold night.  The moon was out and full and bright.  I felt momentarily connected to my Mom and to all the feelings.  And then I was swooped into the restaurant without time to really feel my on the surface emotions.
Then I ate.  I had bread and my dinner (saag) and some of Christine's dinner and then some of everyone else's.  I was eating everything I could find and drinking more beer than usual.  I was stuffed and I kept eating.  I was overly stuffed and then I still kept eating.  Drowning it all in food and liquor.
Then I started to walk back to the car and stopped into State Street Fruit Store and bought some Mint Milano cookies and I ate half the bag in the car.
When I got home I passed out in bed.  No emotions on this watch.  Nothing but a bursting belly and a headache this morning.
Sometimes it's just what you have to do.

Dieting and control

The problem with dieting is that it is all about control.  It is like creating a prison within ourselves.  We have to eat this food, exercise this much, control our basic instincts.  This automatically sets us up for failure.  Our natural desire is to be free, to be able to do whatever we want.  On the island of Crete, where some of the healthiest people in the world lived, there just happened to be all the right foods on the island for extreme good health and weight control.  The people there felt free, because they could eat whatever they wanted and still be healthy.  They celebrated the wonderful, tasty food and enjoyed it immensely.  Once food began to be imported from other countries they began to eat a bunch of new foods such as sugar, meat, and processed foods.  The children went from being among the healthiest in the world to the most overweight in Europe in just a few short years.  They were given choice and they lost control.  In this country we have tens of thousands of food choices and we have gone completely out of control as well.  The question is how can we eat well and still feel in control.  I think it is by beginning to really enjoy ourselves in doing things that improve our health.  Instead of feeling like we have to eat well, to actually begin enjoying eating well.  It is the same for exercise and all aspects of taking care of ourselves.  If we enjoy it then we will feel in control.  If all we are doing is pushing against ourselves, then we will just stay in the prison with no chance of escape.

Judging

If I don't exercise I judge myself.
When I am exercising I judge others for not exercising.
The judging mind has to have something to do, I guess.
I am wondering what else I could have it do.....
maybe, it could think of all the fabulous people I have in my life...
or, it could come up with a way to save the world...
or, come up with a new recipe for my latest book.
What do they say about quieting something you don't like?
Oh yes, love it.
Love the judging mind, love the judge who thinks this writing isn't good enough.
Bring it some coffee and doughnuts in bed or better yet a spinach omelet with tea.

Losing Weight from Within

Losing weight is much more than just seeing pounds drop on a scale.  If it is done right, it is about losing emotional, physical, and spiritual weight.  We have to let go of feelings as well as pre-conceived notions of who we are.  Just the act of losing weight does not mean that in our minds we are thin.  Losing weight does not mean that we will no longer be depressed or will stop feeling under appreciated.  We need to let go of much more than a Frappucino and a bacon double cheeseburger.  To be successful, your focus has to be taken off dieting and placed on the things that made you overweight in the first place.  Was it stress?  Was it lack of time to take care of yourself?  Is it a bad relationship?  Do you hate your job?  Are you holding on to something you have held on to for years?  We gain weight for a lot of different reasons, but rarely is it just about the food.  Losing weight from within means letting go, becoming free.  There are many ways to become free, make that the focus of your weight loss plan.
What makes you feel lighter?  What gives you joy?  And why are you afraid to feel light and joyous?