One kind of floating

There is some time when you overeat that you feel like you are floating, like you are on a hot air balloon.  You start off on the ground, still heavy, stuck and you begin to eat and all anxiety,  depression, and anger  are thrown overboard and you begin to lift off.  You no longer have to worry about the people around you, the ones that somehow you have to impress and everything becomes easier.  It is even easier to float with a little bit of alcohol.  once you start floating people start to get you, they laugh at your jokes, they think you are amazing, everything comes into focus.  But then you come back down to the ground.  You get anxious again, someone says something that bugs you or you begin to feel inadequate so you turn to the Swedish meatballs and you begin popping them into your mouth one after another and the beer goes down easier with meatballs and especially with little spanakopita squares.  You begin a small little assembly line to stuff your stomach.  Meatballs, spanakopita, beer, then a server comes to you with stuffed mushrooms which reminds you of the little finger sandwiches near the carrots and broccoli (which you eat a token few for your health).  And then you are definitely no longer floating, as a matter of fact you are so weighted down that you cannot even dance with your woman, your stomach feels bloated and the only logical solution is to eat more meatballs and guzzle more beer and go deeper into your own personal hell.  You begin to get self righteous and say to your woman that this isn’t the crowd for you.  Everyone is too serious and business like even though you have only spoken to about two people so it is completely a judgement on your part.  Let’s go home and she has to drive because you had about 3 too many beers and on the way home you talk about what is wrong with everyone there and when you arrive the only place to go is the couch.  You plot down on it and that reminds you of your Mom and how she never gracefully sat on the couch, because her weight wouldn’t let her and she has given up trying and so she would just collapse onto it and it would make a noise, a plop really and how sometimes you worried that the couch would collapse under her weight and how sometimes chairs would collapse under her.  And you are on the couch, your body aches, your esophagus is acidic, food is coming back up towards your mouth, it wants to get out any way it can, it would come out your ears if it could.  The worst thing for you right now is to lie down, but you do anyways because you can’t hold yourself up.  When you lay down, the food comes back up faster.  You are not going to throw up, you can feel that, no you are just going to lay there in misery until your woman gets you up to go to bed and you spend the night tossing and turning feeling a thick, acidic mass travel your body wanting desperately to escape just like you wanted to escape so badly that you poisoned yourself killing yourself one meatball at a time.

Turning 32

According to the statistics of the world, I will be turning 47 years old on Monday.  I have been feeling old lately.  Tired and emotionally dead.  Christine said to me the other day that sometimes she wishes we were both the same age (she is 15 years younger than me).  Today, we had a snow day and went skiing.  It was a beautiful day which made me feel more present than usual.  I thought about turning 47.  I thought about how old I would like to be.  When did I feel my best?  What age would make me feel like I still had plenty of time in this world?  First I thought of 38 years old, but that still felt older than I want to be.  I came to the conclusion that I would like to be 32 years old.  And then I remembered the whole manifesting thing.  Could I actually become 32 years old again?  Could I feel like I did then?  It would change how I am feeling generally about life right now.
I guess as with most things there is only one way to find out.
On Monday I will be turning 32.  Wish me a happy birthday!
Bill