The Rope

I wasn't even that fat.  Most of it was in my mind more than my belly.

I don't know who this guy is, but I sure wanted to look like him!

Middle School.
In my memory, the thick rope in gym class went from two feet off the floor to about a hundred feet in the air until it hit the ceiling where it was barely visible.  In reality, I would guess, it was probably was 20 or 25 feet high.  Every kid's goal was to climb to the top of that rope and hang out for a bit at the ceiling staring down at all there envious classmates looking like ants below.
I had been a skinny kid for most of elementary school, but I was raised by an overweight mother.  I knew the taste of weight watcher's ice cream when it first came out which was like a chewy chemical wasteland.  She taught me how to stuff my emotions with food at a young age.  She shared her depression and her eating disorder with me.  At some point, I was almost certain to become fat.
By the time I had come to middle school in Northfield, Vermont, we had moved 5 times and I was starting to give up on certain things like finding new friends and taking care of my body.
I was getting pudgy.
Yet inside of me was an athlete.  I knew it.
My tiny school of 300 had the Vermont gymnastics champion as one of it's students.  I loved to watch him as he held his body in a perfect t on the o-rings and effortlessly swing from side to side on the parallel bars with his immaculate muscular arms and land perfectly on the mats with the resounding applause of the student body.  The thing that was inspiring about him was that he only had one leg.
If a one legged gymnast could become state champion surely a slightly overweight out of shape teen could make it up that rope in gym class.
I tried all of two times to make it up that rope.  The first time I made it a few feet up until my muscleless arms started to tremble.  The rope had a different smell from anything I had smelled before.  It was pungent, like it had come a long ways, it smelled like adventure.  I held on tight knowing full well there wasn't enough strength in my to go any further.  I didn't have enough strength to come down one arm at a time so instead I just slid down, my arms burning on the rough, prickly outer skin of the thick twine.
I wish this was a story of triumph, of me getting to the top and giving a loud whoop to all the kids below, but a few weeks later I tried again and had the same result.  A sinking feeling was rising in me.  My ship was going down.
We lived in Northfield, Vermont for two years and then we moved on yet again.  I never touched one of those ropes again.

Hamburger and Fries

It was an incredibly busy day.  I felt stressed out and wanted desperately to just go to our local hamburger joint and have one of their juicy burgers on two corn tortillas with cheese, peppers, and onions and a nice big fat serving of french fries with at least a half a cup of ketchup.  I planned my night.  First, I would go eat the burger and then I would drive home, go for a walk, write in my blogs, wait for Christine to come home and then go to bed.
But somewhere deep inside me I knew the truth.  If I ate that burger I would probably go home, sit on the couch, watch something on the computer and fall asleep.  It was the new, 'more dedicated to his purpose' me versus the old 'give up on the world' me.  I found myself unconsciously heading for the burger place.  I parked my van, turned off the ignition and just sat there.  There was an argument going on in my brain.  I was craving meat, I must need it.  I needed the animal protein and saturated fat after all the healthy food I have been eating the last few months.  Was it my emotions, my brain, or my body that was craving the meal that would be so easy to obtain?  Just walk a hundred more feet, order the meal, wait ten minutes and eat.
I don't really know what clicked while I was sitting there, but without much more thought I just started up the van, drove out of the parking lot and came home.
I made some homemade hummus and ate it with gluten free crackers, a big salad with Gorgonzola cheese and my own Dijon vinaigrette dressing.
Then I went for a 3 and half mile walk and now I am writing in my blog.
I still have the emotions that I had a few hours ago, the ones that I once would have tried to drink or eat away, but I have let them settle for a few hours and I have managed to do a bunch of things that are good for me so I will call it a night and will eat the hamburger and fries on another day when my body really does need a good greasy, high protein meal with some fried potatoes and a half a cup of ketchup.

Getting Ready to be Thin

You need to not just eat well and exercise to lose weight.  You need to prepare yourself for being thin.  Why did you gain weight in the first place?  Were you depressed, lonely, in a bad relationship?  Were you stressed out or maybe thought that daily gallon of ice cream would be helpful?  The ironic thing is that we often gain weight because we want to push people away or not be seen.  Are you ready to be visible again?  Are you prepared to start really living your life in a new way?  If you are waiting to be thin before you really begin living your life maybe it is time to start living your life now in a way that will lead you to being thin.
I have had great adventures in the last few months.  Giving up drinking has led me to my emotional world.  Giving up gluten has led me to feeling drastically better in my stomach and chest.  Hiking or biking everyday has reinvigorated my body.  As I move from fatness to fitness I am seeing the things that led me to being overweight (in fact, obese) in the first place.  I don't do well with stress.  I used to use drugs in order to calm myself down.  Now, I try to just slow down and breathe and the exercising helps as well.  I was hiding problems with my memory and general thinking by doing things that were just making it worse.  As I open more to my own life I see that there are alternatives to everything I was doing that are more supportive to myself and my purpose.
I am preparing myself to be seen again by buying better clothes, socializing more and getting support when I need it.  Preparing to be thin is the best possible way to be ready when you arrive.
Are you prepared?

Confession of Bill (Bradley), the not really overweight dietitian

Ok, here it goes.  I am not sure I have really been an overweight dietitian since I began this blog.  Maybe briefly.  Actually, most of the time I have been an obese dietitian.  At the height of my weight last year I was edging towards being morbidly obese.  Those words make me want to yak.  My wife doesn't even want me to say the word "obese" in context to myself ever again, but I need to say it just a few times.  It is a label and as most labels go, it is a hurtful and not incredibly helpful one.  You don't need to tell someone they are morbidly obese to let them know they are probably not well.  In most cases, they know it and they don't need to be reminded.  It is the formal way to label someone fatso or tubbalard.  I hope that I never say to anyone that they are obese even if they ask.  My Mom spent her life being overweight and scarred by it in many ways and I am sure it was no less painful to have a doctor tell her she was morbidly obese than to have some kids yell "hey fattie" too her as she walked down the street.
I am not getting healthy right now because I am obese.  I am getting healthy because there are things in my life I want to do.  I am tired of having no energy.  I am tired of my body hurting because of what I have done to it and what I can change.  So, I am committed in a way I haven't been in years, but not because of a stupid label, but because I simply want to feel better.
And just so you know I am 4 and a half pounds away from being simply an overweight dietitian instead of an obese one.  Dumb.  Want to know the more important thing?  I am feeling better and better everyday from moving and eating well and being alive.

The reason to lose weight

I was hiking this morning and struggling somewhat with the idea of turning around or getting to the top of the mountain.  I started thinking about why I was exercising at all and why I am pushing to lose weight.  What came to me was that I want to be realize the visions I have about my life and my relationships and my business.  I can't do it where I've been over the past few years, because I don't always have the energy to get things done.  My mind is scattered, my body tired and frankly I'm done being that way.  So, the vision is to lose weight and get in shape not for some magic number in the sky, but so that I can truly be the person I want to be in life:  Active, loving, in community, creative.  This is the reason to become more alive, to be in my body more, to be lighter.  It is a great vision that will help lead to my other visions.

Snow Day Cravings

I woke up to a foot of snow this morning. I was supposed to visit some schools today so I went to my computer and found that it was a snow day. And then I found myself craving Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, yes, the one in the box, the original that you add 1/4 cup of milk and 1/4 cup of butter to that fluorescent orange powder to make a creamy, high fat, amazingly delicious meal. I remember that there were times when I would eat the whole box. Sometimes, my Mom would add some overcooked frozen broccoli as a side dish which I would always eat first so I could forget about it and focus on the delicate yumminess of the snow day. I would eat until there was nothing left and I would have a dreamy high afterwards.

I went out to snow blow the driveway and about 20 minutes in I started thinking about the mac and cheese again. It was so vivid, I could taste and smell it. Then I started thinking about one of my Mom's tuna sandwiches with crunch potato chips. Again, another snow day kind of meal. My Mom wouldn't drain the tuna so it was always a little soggy and usually would have some chunks of celery and plenty of mayo. I would usually eat at least two of these. A perfect day was when she would make both the mac and cheese and the tuna sandwiches.

So, what do I do on this snow day some 30 some odd years later since my Mom last made me a snow day lunch? I am at the very beginning of a 40 day challenge that a bunch of men friends and I are doing. One of my challenges is to weigh under 225 pounds by the end. This basically means about a pound of weight loss every 4 days. I have this craving for mac and cheese and tuna sandwiches. What do I do? I make a commitment to eating well today, that's what I will do. Let the memories be memories and let the cravings be cravings. If you are anywhere near where I live, enjoy your snow day! Otherwise, enjoy your day at the beach.